Where's The Black Sheep?

By a show of hands or eyes in this matter, do you find yourself to be a misfit or an odd-ball who doesn't quite blend into what is considered to be normal? Have you ever found yourself in circumstances that were so vulnerable it made you want to run far away and never look back? Or have you ever carried so much weight of not only your own emotions but also those of everyone around you, to the point where it negatively impacted your mental state of mind? Are you the one who people love to be around but never truly understand? Not to spill my age but for well over three decades, I have experienced fears, frustrations, disappointments, and even love that proved to be anything but genuine. And now, standing in the present, I recognize that there is a new lifetime of greatness awaiting for all the "Black Sheep" and those who have struggled endlessly. Despite all the odds, this greatness is here to stay—if one chooses to just flow like the river and move with the wind.

Reflecting on my past way back when, I examine the rejections, the losses of loved ones who deeply impacted my life, and the defeats from challenges that I was unprepared to face. I think about the anger that once controlled me, leading to aggression, fights, anxiety attacks, and even asthma attacks that made breathing feel impossible. I was surrounded by people who either had their own traumas or simply did not care to listen to anything outside of money, leaving me with no safe space to express myself. As a result, I withdrew, believing that sharing my feelings was a form of complaining and built a mindset causing me to become unavailable to my own emotions for most of my life, which led to a lack of boundaries within my relationships. For years, I poured myself into others—offering an ear, a shoulder to cry on, advice, financial help, two fists ready to battle and unwavering support. As an empathetic person, my intentions were always pure yet the problem was, I never gave to myself which led into a struggle to receive the same love and care that I so freely provided to others.

One of the first steps I took toward reclaiming my peace was finding comfort amongst the ocean. Just a short walk to the beach from the projects to sit by the water allowed me to practice breathing exercises that calmed my anxiety. I also began taking small trips to step outside of my noisy environment, seeking new perspectives outside of the norm actually felt good. Mainly to explore the things that would re-coop & replenish not only my mind but my body. At first, distancing myself felt a bit selfish as for some even called it "ghosting"—and I carried guilt after awhile for not always being available to others every time they yearned for my presence. Most of the guilt would come from not knowing how to communicate what was needed for myself. But I soon realized the importance of balance: I've tried setting aside personal time while also nurturing relationships in a way that did not deplete me. Spending time alone felt unusual but refreshing; and really had folks wondering why I would sit on the boardwalk by my lonesome for hours or even ride the "A" train from Far Rockaway, Queens to Inwood, Manhattan just for the hell of it. Well, simply because enjoying my own company became liberating.

This newfound independence led me to explore even further by joining yoga classes in Bryant Park when they first opened the idea to the community. Strolling through the Metropolitan Museum for new inspiration as an artist would truly wow me, and soaking up the vibrant energy of Midtown’s fashion district, took me back to memory lane once upon a time as a college student majoring in fashion. The more I nurtured my own joy, the more I realized that trying to balance my own personal needs with the expectations of others was only pulling me back into a cycle of exhaustion. Being led to set boundaries felt uncomfortable at first, but it became necessary and actually felt good to communicate why the answer was "NO". I started prioritizing self-care without guilt, and the results were undeniable. My anxiety lessened, my asthma attacks became nearly nonexistent, and I found social interactions much easier because I was no longer drained. Although it may sound harsh, I had to learn to put my cape down, care less and ask GOD to come to their aid, mainly for others to hold themselves accountable for their own situations or at least seek out professional help if trauma comes along; either way GOD will provide what is necessary. By physically stepping outside of the box that had once mentally confined me, I opened doors to new opportunities, new people, and new experiences. The right connections began to flow naturally, reinforcing the importance of continuing on this path of self-nurturing and true authenticity.

Fast forward to today, self-care is widely accepted as an essential part of maintaining mental well-being. Now, within my fourth decade of life, "prime time" as some would call it, I no longer feel guilty for choosing my own path and continue to stand firm in my decisions. If someone cannot respect the way I choose to live, then so be it because their way of thinking has nothing to do with me and my life must go on. As I've grown to unlearn and learn once again amongst this journey, it has taught me to first focus on tending to thyself and only then can we truly embrace the life we are meant to live that supports others in a more balanced way. During this first quarter of 2025 with everything being solely brand new, I pray that you've had a chance to sit still, soak up some game and maybe explore the things that keep your momentum at a high. And if you have not yet done so, I would recommend practicing ways of healing while boycotts, new laws and all the sudden changes are being implemented. This will give you a good enough reason to not go spend for the sake of soothing anxiety but also to re-coop your energy while saving for that destination you've been desiring for some time.

And until next time, One Love 💞

Ms. Blaque