Where's The Black Sheep?

Have you ever been in such vulnerable circumstances that causes you to deeply feel like you need to run far away and never look back? Or perhaps been building up strong emotions (yours & everyone else's) empatheticly that may have caused a negative affect on your mental health? Are you considered the quote on quote different type that everyone loves to be around yet don't quite understand you at all?

For nearly four decades of experiencing many fears, frustrations, frictions and even phony love that was never truly genuine, here within the now is a new lifetime of greatness for those who have struggled all of their lives and despite the odds, this greatness is here to stay if one chooses to flow like the river and blow like the wind.

As I examine these elements of my past; in which has helped me with forward movement, I sit back and analyze all the rejections, all the losses of loved ones who has made a huge impact and even those defeats from losing challenges that I was never quite ready for. Thinking about those angry days that would cause such bad aggression to the point when fist fights would occur & anxiety attacks happen, causing triggers to the mind and then followed by an asthma attack to the point where breathing is now hard to do. Surrounded in an environment where there is not too many people who you can vent too because of their very own traumatic situations or possibly they just truly don't care to listen; so what do you do? In my case I kept myself closed off; always believing that expressing my feelings were a form of complaining in which caused me to be unavailable to my very own emotions for the majority of my life and then leading into boundary issues when dealing with others. For many years I found myself tending to everyone else's emotions simply by being an ear, a shoulder to cry on, an advisor, a helping hand, a soldier ready for battle & even at times a financial donor; overall a philanthropist in a nutshell. As an empathetic being my intentions were always pure with love, however the problem lied in me by not giving to myself at all nor being open enough to receive it.

One way I've learned to take hold of all the noise & distractions that has caused tons of drainage and anxiety, was to enjoy the beach within this environment I lived upon. Just a short walk to sit amongst the ocean would help me through breathing exercises that had eventually calmed most attacks. Another way was to pull myself away from the environment by taking small/short trips in order to explore new perspectives outside of the norm, mainly just to re-coop & replenish not only the mind but the body. At one point some would consider it to be selfish when distancing myself away or used the word "Ghosting" whenever I felt the need to hibernate in order to center myself; which eventually led me into feeling guilty for doing these things and not paying more attention to everyone else's needs. So I told myself "how about you try balancing the two"; enjoy my personal time on select days and relationships with family & friends on other days.

Now at first it felt a bit odd, yet amazing to sit on the boardwalk for long periods at a time or just taking a ride on the "A" train from 36th Street station in Far Rockaway, Queens to 217th Street Inwood, NY. But doing these things all by myself truly gave a sense of enjoyment of my very own company. It eventually opened up new ideas to practice as a routine, like joining yoga classes outside in Bryant Park or taking strolls through the Metropolitan Museum and even just the ambience of Midtown's fashion district. As someone who loves learning new things it only made me more curious to explore and educate myself on these same type of things that actually made me feel really good. But hold up I would tell myself, "you have others to attend too". Trying to give some love, comfort, time & even some help to these relationships just didn't quite match the same type of enjoyment that I am receiving within those selfish days. Still with no boundaries being set & trying to please & satisfy everyone around me, it would lead me back into the same discomfort that I was running away from causing the same exact dis-ease & anxiety. Funny thing I have noticed some great outcomes throughout these times of discomfort, depression & anxiety simply because I made the decision to put myself first and step outside that box that I felt placed upon. Learning to be calm in such hectic situations were quite eye opening for someone who was always ready for a fight. Not only that, but relying on my asthma medication whenever I felt out of breathe also took a turn to the point where its like this asthma that I was born with completely disappeared. I've noticed my socializing had been much easier due to my approachable demeanor. Allowing the right people who were in position to give me an opportunity to connect with other people, places and things that I probably could have only imagined if I had continued those old ugly ways. Truthfully those short experiences had told me to keep doing those same things, all in all by giving back to myself in a more nurturing & loving way. And yes of course there will always be plenty of love to share however if one is not respectfully ok with those decisions I have made for whatever reason, than so be it cause life must go on.